..understands my health, i barely do,,

everyone always thinks it's a joke or that i'm exagerrating.. people say it so much so that i always end up believing them..

Untill moments like this, when it all gets too much and my body hits the self destruct..

I feel like i'm imploding .

I haven;t had cramps this bad in a long time. I am scared, I won't lie.. aparently there's a term for the 80% of my prangin' out..

emetaphobia..

i spent they day alone today, in the guest house.

Going over and over my lyrics..

i got given news that she went home with a close friend of mine tonight.. i'm across the sea, and we;re not together anymore. so it definatly definatly doesn't matter.. but still....


i don't know what else to write, i have so much to say but as it's all been in my head all day i feel like i've already said too much.

the songs on this album, although having a running theme.. are "basically" only about two things.

stomach aches and my ex's alcohol problem. i applaud myself for the fact i managed to write a story which really is only about two things without anyone even noticing unless i actually say.

But.. that's fucking pathetic..

i guess that's all I know.. stomach aches and girl problems.


i don't see the cramps ending.. i'm curled into a ball on my bed right now typing this..praying..

it always ends up at this point.. all i need is someone at the other end of the phone to say two words..

it's ok.

i have two words for right now

...fuck sake.

i feel my body sinking, i keep seeing things and my mind keeps playing tricks on me.. my body is going through weird motions... making weird sounds. sweat dripping from my forehead...


i can;t keep my eyes focused on anything.. getting..

OK, just got back from the toilet...i freaked out mid sentance and went and asked tom if he had any money left on his phone card, then walked back downstairs to use the phone... no one to call, i know jess is with someone, and what's the time now...8 am? not cooll... everyone else..? well, i don't want anyone to know of me like this , it's weird.. so no one, no one to call. went to use the kettle to make peppermint tea...(this is dark, basically from the moment we arrived all the taps and every shower.. the water comes out thick opaque grey... we think it's the pipes..) i got some clean bottled water, trying to wash the inside of the kettle, im guessing it must have been used with this water at some point before i moved in here.. although i dont think anyone has been here for a year or something mike said.. ah., well i gave up in the end, i figured the last thing i need is to wake up with water poisoning. or lead poinoning or any other kinds of poinsoning...

i have gut rot

or somehting..

horrible

This is alot of writing, as, i realised now that i'm alone i have to talk myself out of these panic attacks, and learn to do it on a regular basis, ive been good since the break ..up untill now, i guess this is the test.

i guess not eating for a week isn;t good for yo.. or only eating sporadically and shit.

bad spelling, i know, i don't care lol/

i looked in the mirror, i look like shit, gresy hair, spots..cuts all over my lips.. i think from the cold.. jesus..
nme were right, had it lost it.

my guts are ruined.

so i;m lying in bed and the only thoughts that have been running through my head are thoughts of her with someone else.

I can't help it.

It attacked me whilst i was recording a guitar part.

I feel like i'm connected to her so I know when certain things in her life are happening,
I'm well aware of how retarded this sounds, but I can;t the thought of her being intimate with another guy out of my head, it seems so wrong..

I know it's over but..

I don't know.

I can;t bring myself to even kiss a girl at the moment, the thought is so far from my mind it's ridiculous.
I'm happy and content where I am.

When i say i want a wife to people. what I obviously mean is how much I want a companion.

It;'s a weird, one, I really do miss the comfort she brings..sometimes i'm ok.. it's just odd reminders that kill a bit.. i mean singing about her everyday whilst doing this record is grating on me a bit, i didn;t think i would but...


it really has.

This really should be a post about the stupid luck more so than usual i've been having, how everything i own is gone , the impending doom with landlord and police... and just general bad vibes... but although only 2 people are possibly reading this.

I feel it's best to concentrate on other things.

Like hercules being in the o.c?!

and conversations like this on myspace...which i seriously need to have more of.


"
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: BABS
Date: Dec 26 2006 12:14 PM


Hey
Merry Xmas and all that...
I was just reading your play louder interview and have a slightly dorky question...


what do you know about this Death ray movie...I've heard it's happening many times but no progress seems to be made...Is Jack Black in it...Daniel clowes has ruined most my comic book attempts as i don't seem to be happy unless i successfully rip him off word and line...

oh yeah have you seen Art School confidential???


babs.

-=--=---------=----=--------------

(MY REPLY)

I understand, i get the same way with adrian tomine.... my comics rip him off so badly.. ahh jesus.

erm, all i've heard is that it's confirmed and that they've started working on it,nothing else.. i bet it'll take years..

yeah i saw art school about a month ago actually.. i quite enjoyed it.

I thought it was good...i can see why alot of people didn't really like it.

The person i went with complained about how random the ending was and stuff, but then... it seemed typiclly clowes to me.. the underlining storyline in the background somehow connecting with a more realistic ending.. but because we don't usually get endings with consequences in movies it somehow seems pretty surreal.

But I liked the film!

Dev

last night, i came home with an australian girl... kiknda of attractive, leaving back for melbourne today... stayed up all night listening to soul and psychodelic music untill 9 am... i was too scared to lay the moves on her...so nothing at all happened.and she left to go home about 9 am..

I then slept for a couple of hours, woke up to..

Text message from claire germs..

"i want my PSP back."

Text message from my ex..

"I'm back in london."

Text message from simon..

"We're about to get evicted.shit."


So I started packing my stuff.

Seriously, all these bad vibes bulletins, and online threats is all so dumb, I mean, I know that's quite an obvious sentance, I just find it funny...people get into such huge debates about things,
I mean come on..fighting online is like racing in the special olympics..

..even if you win, you're still retarded.